


Heart's Desires

by TBe76



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22928521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBe76/pseuds/TBe76
Summary: Starts out during the episode "The Tholian Web" and continues through "Turnabout Intruder." Kirk and Spock discover the depth of their feelings for each other.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 8
Kudos: 82





	Heart's Desires

**Author's Note:**

> Turnabout Intruder has Kirk and Spock being way more touchy-feely than usual even. Besides the overt hand holding, Spock rubbing Kirk (in Lester's body) neck while he leans into him is extremely intimate. Here's my take on it. And a happy ending means Gol never happened!

Spock felt pain at the acknowledgment that Kirk was dead. Somehow hearing his final message made him feel like Kirk was right there, still alive, and waiting for Spock to rescue him. He went back to his science station, scanning the area once again, fully aware that it was illogical.

There was an encoded message waiting. He placed his earpiece in and was grateful the scanner obscured the message for his eyes only. He listened to it, in complete and utter shock.

Kirk looked hesitant, nervous. “Spock, if you’re listening to this you’ve already heard my last words to you and Bones. But I had to record a message just for you.” On the screen, Kirk ’s expression wavered. He ran his fingers through already tousled hair. “I probably shouldn’t be doing this, but if I don’t record this message I can’t go on seeing you every day without betraying my secret. So by recording it and knowing in one way or the other I’m telling you, I can deal with things.” The human took a deep breath. “Here goes.” He smiled, a smile that warmed Spock’s insides and set his emotions swirling in ways he did not comprehend. 

“I love you. Am completely in love with you. More than anyone I’ve ever loved in my whole life.” Kirk held up his hand as if stopping Spock from speaking.

“I know it’s illogical. I know there’s no sign you’ve ever looked at another person outside of those damn spores. Even on Vulcan—“ Kirk trailed off, gesturing widely, “Even there it seemed you got over everything without —damn, this is harder than I thought. Well, anyway, I know you don’t feel the same way so that’s why I’m recording this so I can convince myself I told you.

And if you by some magic could feel the same way, I’m sorry. Because I imagine that will make my loss harder. And I don’t want you to suffer. I just want you to love me too.

I’d die a thousand deaths to spare you the tiniest pain. I hope I’ve spared you as much pain as possible this time.”

Spock almost paused the message. The level of pain he was now  experiencing was so excruciating that he thought he would scream. He’d never seen Kirk pay a man any attention. He could not wrap his mind around this message. Could not acknowledge th at there were feelings screaming for attention even now. He could not bear to hear another word, but he could not bear to stop the message either.

“Anyway, after everything we’ve been  through , I have come to believe that our souls exist after death. There must be something more. Live a good life for me. And when you’re done, come find me. 

I’ll always love you.”

Kirk extended his index and middle finger to the screen in an obvious Vulcan manner and the meaning was so obvious and so moving that Spock was unable to stifle the sob that slipped out. He was vaguely aware of some stares from the bridge crew, but they all quickly turned back to their stations and he stared at the now dark  screen. He was torn into a million pieces. He could not accept this reality. Would not. Kirk must be there. Must still be there in  Tholian space. Must be where the Defiant was. He would find him.

**

Spock was beyond grateful that Kirk was alive and rescued safely. But he was unprepared to deal with the message and the feelings . Lying was not something he usually did, but this time the lie came off his tongue before he was even conscious of it. “Orders? We did not—“ And to his great relief, McCoy backed his lie. Time resumed and he could keep everything as it was.

He planned to retire directly to his quarters and meditate on everything, but McCoy ordered him to sickbay.

“What is it, doctor?” He asked innocently.

“If I’m gonna lie to my best friend I want to know why. I’m guessing you got some other message than just the ones you and I saw.”

The doctor’s logic surprised him.

Spock froze. He could not discuss this. He must meditate. Must figure out what he thought and what he felt.

McCoy watched him, his gaze intensely scrutinizing.

“I’ll give you a few days. Then you either tell him or you tell me a good reason we’re keeping the lie up. You pick which of us is the worse one to have to talk to.”

Spock could not form words back. He just went to his quarters and tried to  meditate .

****

The first level of meditation eluded him. In his mind he remembered a few months prior when children under alien influence had taken over the ship. He remembered Kirk’s pain being enough to get his attention to fight the alien mind. As he’d taken him into the  turbolift , away from the mental assault, and felt Kirk hold him tightly as if he were a lifeline, feelings had moved in him that he had no name for. He recalled the way he’d murmured “Jim” as he held him back. He’d wanted then to meld with Kirk, to let him know how much he respected him. That he had not lost command of him, no matter what the alien had attempted. Nothing could take his willingness to follow Kirk to the end of the universe. What was this feeling? This desire to hold Kirk close physically. The wish to stay in his mind. Was this love? 

Did his father love his mother? How did Sarek deal with such feelings? He tried to reconcile his feelings. Tried to imagine acting on such feelings. He had meditated such thoughts away for so long that he was not sure he could bring them to the surface. The memory of his only sexual encounter was fuzzy from the spores, and he could not process things as he wanted to.

The lust of  pon farr had vanished as Jim’s body had gone limp in his hands under the  ahn’woon . These occasional urges he had attributed to his weaker human half and meditation had always allowed him to move past such desires.

Now, however, he wondered if he wanted to let them develop. He had encountered material on human male-male sexuality before but had never paid it much attention. Curiosity blossomed in him. He was determined to sort the feelings out before he acknowledged anything to Kirk. He did not know how else to proceed. It was of too great importance to make a hasty judgement.

***

The next few weeks passed differently for Spock. He had watched Kirk flirt with Rayna and appear to fall in love with her, and his emotions became even more confused. He listened to McCoy’s impassioned speech on love and realized that he did love Kirk. He would rather see him happy, even if that meant he was with someone other than himself. Jim’s happiness was paramount to him. Surely, that was love.

He tried to process how to proceed, but was unsure. He wanted Kirk to have time to get over his grief for Rayna. He had suggested to Kirk with a gentle mind-touch to forget the pain of grief. But he needed to give time for Kirk to forget about her. Maybe come back to showing Spock he was the one he desired.

Things proceeded in a usual chaotic manner for the Enterprise and Spock found himself back on board the ship, having been sexually intimate with  Zarabeth . The recollections were fuzzy, as he had been influenced by the time portal. In some manner, he felt guilty.  Felt like he should have saved such desires for the one he loved. The whole ordeal was hazy in his mind and he decided to meditate further. If he saw Kirk display such an attitude towards him, he would acknowledge it. But a part of him feared that Kirk had moved on. 

**

Spock stared at the petite feminine frame of Janice Lester before him asking him to meld with her. Hesitantly, he touched their mind and found Kirk.

He felt Kirk’s radiating love for him, bright as the sun. Kirk was throwing memories at him as fast as he could mentally process. Images of them playing chess. Kirk teasing him, but welcoming his Vulcan and human halves together.

Kirk feeling sorrow for having hurt Spock. Regret over hitting him and insulting him on Omicron Ceti III.

Telling him what he should have told him so long ago. That he loved him.

Kirk began pouring out his heart and Spock interrupted mentally. Showing him that he had seen the secondary message but had not known how to proceed. Now he knew that he wanted to. _ We’ll find a way to fix this _ , he thought gently breaking the meld. “I believe you,” he said  aloud, and he took the slender hand in his own. 

**

Shortly thereafter they found themselves in the brig awaiting execution. Without either of them saying anything Kirk leaned his feminine body against Spock. Spock gently took his hand in his own, regretting that he had not done this with the body he desired. He was acutely aware of McCoy and Scott in the room with them. 

“I’m sorry you all are in this because of me.” Kirk said in Lester’s voice.

McCoy and Scotty each smiled at him and shook their heads. “It’s a crazy mess. Can’t believe security even considering death penalty.” McCoy pointedly looked at Kirk and Spock’s joined hands.

Spock tightened his grip when he felt Kirk’s hesitancy.

“The captain and I shared a—most intense meld and discovered we have mutual--”

Scotty laughed. “Aye. There’ve been bets all ‘round the ship now for how long it’d be.”

Spock tried to process the information and found both his brows raising.

Kirk smiled at him and then grinned at McCoy and Scott. “Since we’re awaiting execution, would you guys mind if I got a first and last kiss?”

McCoy laughed. “Mr. Scott, shall we be on lookout? I think this forcefield needs inspecting, don’t you?”

“Aye,” Scotty replied amusedly.

Spock felt an intense sense of regret that he had delayed everything.

Kirk could pick up on his thoughts and whispered softly. “I’m just glad we can do it now. It doesn’t matter. I still believe we’ll find each other after death.” Kirk brought their joined hands to his chest and paused, processing the feminine arousal. “I wish I was in my body, but I’m just grateful to feel you. To know you love me too. I’ll take death gladly now. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Kirk turned to him, and Spock tried to picture Kirk’s face, instead of the stranger in front of him. Hesitantly, he leaned in and they kissed. It started out soft and brief. Then Kirk came to life beneath him. Showing astonishing strength for the small female frame beneath him, Kirk pressed his lips to Spock’s and molded his body to his as if to transfer his soul to him. They kissed passionately, almost frantically for a moment and then separated as Kirk winced in pain. He began to rub his neck. “She sure did a decent karate chop to my neck.

Spock turned Kirk gently and began to massage Kirk’s neck as Kirk leaned into his touch. Suddenly Kirk stiffened beneath him. “For a second I was back in my body. I was on the bridge.”

Spock processed the information. “Perhaps if we meld, I can help you move back to your body.” He brought his hands to Kirk’s psi points and together they focused on Kirk’s body. Spock shared images he had allowed himself to fantasize about and Kirk provided matching images. The intensity of them brought Kirk into a brief connection with his own body. Kirk began his thought process again to catalog his body from the top of his head to putting socks over his toes. The link with Lester’s body seemed more tenuous.

Suddenly Lester arrived with Coleman aiming a phaser at them. 

Spock felt a sense of fear and wanted to do something, but he didn’t know anything to do. He felt Kirk’s mind reach out to him. Their minds were so close. He could clearly hear “I love you. It’ll be ok.” 

And a moment later Kirk, in a more petite frame, worked his usual miracle, and as he fought for his life, his essence returned to his body. Spock watched as Lester collapsed into Coleman’s arms and felt a profound sense of relief.

***

That evening, Janice Lester was secured, all the reports had been filed, and Kirk had left Spock a message on his comm asking him to meet him at his quarters at 2100 for dinner. Spock had responded with a simple “I will meet you then,” but he found a sense of  exhilaration rushing through him. The two hours from the receipt of the message until their meeting time seemed to pass slowly, even though Spock was rarely aware of time passing in any way other than second by second. Now, no matter what task he did, his mind was anticipating the evening.

When his shift finally ended, he headed for Kirk’s quarters, unable to quite slow his heartrate to normal levels, and not sure that he cared.

He put his hand on the buzzer at Kirk’s door, and the door immediately opened. Kirk stood there, a large smile on his face. “Come on in,” he said, with a hint of nervousness, unlike Kirk. Spock stood inside the door, acutely aware of his heartbeat, and watched as Kirk palmed the lock. Kirk gestured to his  work space , which he had turned into a dinner table. Two plates of vegetarian lasagna, something he knew Spock liked were waiting. Spock knew that logically, they should eat,  but all he wanted to do was take Kirk in his arms.

Feeling unusually bold, he spoke the truth. “Jim,” he whispered, his voice sounding  uncharacteristically deep to his own ears. “I appreciate the food, but at the moment, I hunger for something other than that.” He paused, wanting it to be clear what he wanted. “I want you.”

Before the words had finished leaving his lips Kirk had moved, pinning him against the metal divider between living and sleeping quarters. And then they were plundering each other’s mouths, tongues dueling. This time, it was the harder planes of masculine body against his, and Spock found that it met with his imagination; even surpassed them. Nothing of this compared to either of his foggy recollections of his two prior sexual encounters. Only raging desire and passion. He felt Kirk change the way he was angled and suddenly Kirk’s hip was against his groin and when Kirk moved, waves of pleasure tore through him, ripping a moan from him, which was muffled by their kiss. Kirk’s hands were under his tunic and then under his undershirt, leaving trails of desire as they moved from his back and his shoulders to his pectoral muscles, pausing to twist for a moment at his nipples, and then coming to possessively clutch his hips. 

Spock clung to Kirk with matching strength, taking care to not use his full Vulcan capabilities, but relishing in the feel of Kirk beneath him. They could not stop kissing, their passion rising. Both of them clinging to each other as if their lives depended on holding the other one. 

Kirk finally pulled back for a minute, gasping for a breath. Tracing Spock’s ears with a finger. Spock barely was able to remain standing and trembled. 

“Bed, now.” Kirk commanded. They moved as one tumbling onto the bed, and then Kirk pulled Spock’s boots off and his own while Spock lay there, acutely aware of his leaking erection. When Kirk lay down beside him, Spock forced himself to pause.

“Jim,” he whispered breathlessly. “As close as our minds are right now, if we continue, we will bond.”

Kirk smiled at him. “That’s what I want. To feel you with me always.”

Spock nodded. “It is also what I desire, but I had to be sure.”

Green eyes dilated with  desire and Kirk pulled Spock closer to himself. “Make love to me. Meld with me. Bond with me. Marry me.”

And since those were his heart’s desires now as well, Spock obeyed his captain and best friend as usual.


End file.
